let’s do this.

Focus on my Health

This year, I resolve to focus on my health. I’ll sign up for virtual workout classes, continue to not eat at restaurants, and make sure I actually get eight hours of sleep instead of just lying awake telling myself I need to go to sleep NOW if I’m going to get the full eight hours. I’ll also wash my hands every 30 minutes, wear a mask when I leave the house, and actively throw a (separate, breathable, possibly patterned) mask at every maskless person I see. I can’t focus on my health without focusing on everyone…

by Taylor Kay Phillips and Felipe Torres Medina

Give thanks 4 food, fashion, and fotoshop

I sure know what I’m thankful for this year: darkly joyful Margot Robbie vehicle, Birds of Prey. It’s the ultimate late-fall gratitude film. Besides the parallel themes of food, chosen family, and commitment to a color scheme, the movie is also easy to follow and fun to watch. You might be tempted to argue that attaching Thanksgiving energy to an R-rated superhero movie that was released in February to mixed reviews isn’t a good idea, but that seems like a poor allocation of mental resources. …

I’m not a copywriter…but…

To: brandmanagerdale@spaceforce.mil

From: kylewritescopy@gmail.com

Subject: Space Force recruitment tweet copy

Hi Dale,

Thanks again for trusting me with this project. Here is the first draft of the tweet copy to go with the graphic you sent me. Really tried to nail the feeling of “patriotism and legacy!” Let me know the URL you want to include at the end of the tweet to drive traffic to the site. Thanks so much and let me know what you think!

- Kyle


Imagine telling your grandchildren that that medal on your mantle is not just for changing…

We split a steak once that was kind of pinky-brown in the middle so in that sense we technically ‘have blood in common’ but it’s not human.

Photo by samer daboul from Pexels

For all those wondering, this is my son Nestor. We share no blood but he is my life. He came from Cuba (legally, of course) six years ago and lives with me in Florida.Nestor turned 19 a few days ago & will be off to University. He arrived here at 12. As you can imagine, I was triggered when (to make an absurd debate point) a fellow congressman diminished the contributions of Republicans because we don’t raise non-white kids.

Well, I have.

-Matt Gaetz, June 18, 2020

And in case you were curious, this is my daughter Branleigh. She is…

Weddings used to mark the beginning of a marriage. Now, more and more, they serve as the confirmation of a relationship already in progress.

At the end of Bridesmaids, Maya Rudolph’s character Lillian semi-disappears on the day of her wedding. Her hot mess of a former maid-of-honor verging on former best friend, Annie (Kristin Wiig) finds her in her apartment, hiding under her comforter. After Lillian apologizes to Annie and confesses that her replacement MOH has crafted a wedding that the father of the bride can’t afford — she admits that what really led her back to her own bed the night before her wedding was the monumentality of losing her own bed — her own apartment — her own bathtub. Her own. …

Did you hear? They got him. Guilty on 2 of the 5 counts! Not the big ones — but still. I didn’t think they’d do it at all. So… awesome! Right?

Convicted rapist Harvey Weinstein!!! Yay! I think?

Sorry. I was… just so ready to be disappointed.

Fuck yeah! We got him! Right? Like this is good. This feels good!

This is… huge. Yeah? We should celebrate. I think. Fuck yeah we should!! You know what — let’s go out! Let’s go! Today is the DAY! A single powerful man has FALLEN! Sure he’ll definitely appeal and the serial predator accusation didn’t stand. But we didn’t think we were going to get ANYTHING…

I’m so glad you’re here and so thankful that you selected the ‘add vase’ option at 1–800-Flowers dot com.

Hello and welcome to my home. As you know, I was recently diagnosed with a little bit of cancer and underwent surgery to remove it. And congrats to me and my surgeon! We did it! I am so grateful that you came over to check in on me and my house and how we’re doing after the cancer.

As you walk in, feel free to put your shoes by the door in the huge pile of shoes that I’ve tried on, thought about wearing outside the house to feel more like a normal person, and then discarded by the door…

For male candidates who understand “The Billy Graham Rule” is just a jumping-off point.

Ooooh, caught brunching alone with a female journalist? This candidate is cruisin’ for a scandal!

The “Billy Graham” Rule — Do not spend time alone with women* who are not your wife. (*especially female journalists)

The “Lindsay Graham” Rule — Even if you don’t have one, it’s okay to legislate against the bodies of women who are not your wife

The “Catherine the Great” Rule — Do not spend time alone with horses who are not your wife.

The “Tim Murphy” Rule — Abortions are only acceptable for women you impregnate who are not your wife.

The “Ted Cruz Newlywed” Rule — It’s okay to go buy 100 cans of soup if you’re not excited…

To have and to hold and to impede female career growth

My dear wife, as I will call you instead of your name from this day forward, it means so much to me to be able to stand in front of you and make these vows of forever love.

I take you today to be my wife. I shall be faithful to you and honest with you and maintain that faithfulness and honesty by whatever means necessary, no matter what woman’s career stands in the way.

I want this marriage to be based on trust, and I trust that if I’m alone with a woman, she will not be able to…

We’re a strong, capable group of women — but he CANNOT know.

Hands In, On 3! 1, 2, 3, Don’t Reveal We’re Highly Competent!

Okay ladies, here we go. We’ve dotted our I’s and crossed our T’s in planning this conference. All that’s left to do is get the Lionel the CEO’s sign off on our budget. We’ve worked long and hard for this and now we’re going to walk in that room and show that guy he’s boss.

That’s right, my fierce, strong, competent women — we’re going to go in there look him dead in the eye and change everything about ourselves to make the situation palatable for him. The very personality traits that got us here are the same ones that…

Taylor Kay Phillips

contributor @TNYShouts, @Reductress, @McSweeneys, @TheBelladonnaComedy, makes great burgers

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