Robert Foster’s Wedding Vows

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To have and to hold and to impede female career growth

My dear wife, as I will call you instead of your name from this day forward, it means so much to me to be able to stand in front of you and make these vows of forever love.

I take you today to be my wife. I shall be faithful to you and honest with you and maintain that faithfulness and honesty by whatever means necessary, no matter what woman’s career stands in the way.

I want this marriage to be based on trust, and I trust that if I’m alone with a woman, she will not be able to contain her desire for me. After all, I am a politically influential man with Strong Christian Values™ who is probably very good at sex (we will find out so soon!).

I swear to have and to hold you as the only woman in my life. When I look ahead to my future, you are the only woman I see. Because I promise to actively bar the female sex from ever being with me one on one, even if they’re just trying to do their jobs.

I vow in this moment to reject the advances of every other temptress no matter how gay, married, or in a professional setting she is.

I give you my everlasting word that I will hold our marriage in such valuable esteem that the radical left will never be able to sway me from my commitment to stall women’s professional progress in the name of demonstrated fidelity. I’m doing this for you.

You have my solemn oath that I will not be swayed by job titles, professional boundaries, or cries of sexism by literally everyone. I will know that a woman is a woman first (that’s why they called them female journalists!), and if a woman and a man are seen together, people will think sex things. And I pledge this day that no one will EVER think sex things about me and anyone but you. If the rule is good enough for America’s Spokesman Billy Graham, it’s good enough for me.

contributor @TNYShouts, @Reductress, @McSweeneys, @TheBelladonnaComedy, makes great burgers

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