What I Need to Believe About Jennifer Aniston’s Afterlife
Guys I need to believe that after all this bullshit we’ve put her here through on earth, this is what she will finally achieve once she leaves our astral plane. I need to believe it.
She still gets Friends royalty checks, but is most well-known her for her incredible performance in the ‘Good Girl.’
Everyone smiles at her all the time. They all assume she is happy. No one cares if she is sad because she is never sad. There is no USWeekly.
She’s been right about SmartWater the whole time. She bathes in it and her skin never ages so she doesn’t need Aveeno anymore.
No one makes fun of her for bathing in SmartWater.
Her self-care and beauty routine takes less than two minutes but she perpetually looks as good as she did in Horrible Bosses.
People give her as much credit as they should for her performance in Horrible Bosses.
Anywhere she goes, everyone hands her a glass of champagne because no one assumes that she is really pregnant this time.
The official uniform of law enforcement and the government is her “I got off the plane” outfit.
She has frequent yoga and bellini dates with Monica Lewinsky who has also been given the afterlife she deserves.
There are daily screenings of Cake.
Her relationship status makes her happy and no one else says anything else about it. Anyone who does is immediately forced to try to get a same-day Genius Bar appointment while already in the Apple Store.
Anytime anyone back on earth says they ‘ship’ her and Brad Pitt, they develop a disease where every voice they hear is David Schwimmer’s.
But Jennifer never learns of this because Brad Pitt does not exist in this afterlife. In this afterlife he is a washed up soap star and Ocean’s Eleven was a beloved buddy comedy starring George Clooney and David Coullier.
Courtney Cox is there too. Obviously.
Instead of ‘The Rachel,’ the hairstyle in vogue is ‘The Jennifer Aniston in Horrible Bosses’ literally only she and Monica Lewinsky can pull it off.
Hillary is there, too. It’s not awkward.
Taylor Kay Phillips is a writer and comedian living in NYC. She’s a contributor to Reductress and a writer for the monthly show NightLate at the UCB. Follow her on Twitter to find out which doors she ran into this week @taykayphillips. And check out her new project Re:Admission where she answers a College Essay question every day of 2018.
